Magnifisyncopathological

Assume for a moment that my neighbors interest me beyond mere curiosity. Let's say my interest is so strong that I decide to get off my rear and physically find out who they are. My options are several:

1. I could sit on my porch and simply jot down what I overhear and what I see, putting together my own picture;
   
2. I could ask other neighbors what they know;
   
3. I could do a reverse lookup, call their house, and conduct an interview;
   
4. I could wait until they are all home and then walk over to ask them directly;
   
5. or I could write up a questionnaire, place it in their mailbox, and hope they fill it out.

While I'm sure many people would consider such a direct effort to learn more about their family borders on the creepy and suspicious, at no point during any of the above methods would I be guilty of a crime. I wouldn't be trespassing, I wouldn't be breaking and entering, and I wouldn't be threatening violence on anyone. Gathering information can be done ethically. It can be accomplished voluntarily.

Unless the people gathering the information are government agents. In that case, they don't have to worry about pleasantries like respecting your individual freedom. Their important mission to serve the interests of whomever has the greatest sway at the moment overrides that quaint stuff. They have a job to do!

A few weeks ago, I received a packet from the Census Bureau. The envelope started things off well! It told me in bold lettering that I was required by law to respond to the survey within. Those of you who know me understand that is, uhm, an ineffective way to get my support. It is gawddamn certain to piss me off. Already drawing the outline of a future blog post in my mind, I dump the rest of the crap in the trash and walk inside.

What did the packet contain? It had the survey itself, a letter from Census Bureau Director Charles Louis Kincannon, a postage paid return envelope, and a Language Assistance Guide. The letter's text in its entirety:

Dear Resident:

The United States Constitution requires a census of the United States every 10 years. To prepare for the 2010 Census, the U.S. Census Bureau is conducting the 2006 Census Test. The results will be used to develop better methods that will make the 2010 Census easier, more convenient, and less costly for taxpayers.

Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form. We need your help to improve the 2010 Census. Results from the 2010 Census will be used to help each community get its fair share of government funding.

Your answers are confidential by law. Every Census Bureau employee - including the Director as well as every enumerator - has taken an oath and is subject to a jail term, a fine, or both if he or she discloses ANY information that could identify you or your household (Title 13, United States Code, Sections 9, 141, 193, and 214).

Sincerely,

[signature]

Charles Louis Kincannon
Director, U.S. Census Bureau

The commenter I mentioned above said the reply he got from a census bureaucrat also referenced Title XIII: "Participation in the census test is mandatory by law — Title 13 of the U.S. Code." I spent a bit of time reading it and the only place I could find that seemed to say this was Chapter 5, Subchapter II, Section 141(d): "...the Secretary, in the year 1985 and every 10 years thereafter, shall conduct a mid-decade census of population in such form and content as he may determine..."

If so, then Secretary of Commerce Carlos M. Gutierrez has chosen to threaten me with the law (imposing specific penalties of what, is not said) if I don't fill out his fucking 2006 Census Test. To make this absolutely clear, check out what I found in my mailbox about a week after getting the packet:

Oh I get it, you shitheels. You think you can intimidate people into divulging basic information about their lives. You understand that without that threat, lots of people would see the packet and toss it away without a second thought. You may not explicitly say it, but you are aware that you can push around someone by the mere mention that they'd be lawbreakers! if they do not comply. You and I are well aware that even factoring in today's citizens' diminished respect for government authority, you can still cow people with talk of them acting against the law. I can picture folks with prior convictions or in current violation of other laws thinking this is the last thing they need: a(nother) federal agency breathing down their neck, that final cruel event that gets them hauled away for serious jail time.

Furthermore, there is no way I'm going to provide accurate data on how much stolen wealth is to be redistributed around the country: "Results from the 2010 Census will be used to help each community get its fair share of government funding." It's bad enough the systematic government robbery of my income occurs. But to take it and then use it to fund a survey that I'm required to fill out in order to determine the recipients of future theft?

No.

In light of this total disrespect, I have decided to show some disrespect of my own. Here are my responses to the survey with the help of a few friends:

I'm going to send it back in the open without obscuring my address and without marking out the barcode above it. I'm tired of the paternal state and I'm tired of its relentless aggression. This won't matter much even with a sample size as small as the one from the portions of Austin and Travis County that this Census Test will attempt to question, but this is my "inch" and I won't give it up. I won't respect strangers who start from the premise they have the right to tell me what to do.

UPDATED 4/12/2006 9:03am
The London Fog has the details on the scheme faced by Canadians.

UPDATED 4/20/2006 12:10am
"Chasie" over at the Something Awful forums linked to this post, scaring the shit out of my hit counter. Thanks for the traffic bump!

Unfortunately, it seems my point whooshed clear over the heads of just about every participant in the thread. I don't respect the wishes of people who threaten to fine and jail me if I don't fill out a form that adds to the state's ability to plunder the productive and push around the weak.

UPDATED 9/22/2006 10:02am
The Law Protects Your Privacy!