[Updates below.]
A long time ago, I once made a vow to myself. After watching the pain caused by the breakups of some of my friends and their partners, I promised to never put a girl through that. I told myself I would never break up with my girlfriends and would rather let things deteriorate to the point where she would break up with me first.
I was ignorant of human relationships back then. The idea seems so quaint now.
So she and I have been together since the end of October. We met through Friendster (she contacted me, making the first move) and when MySpace became a more attractive place to store our personals, we transferred over there together.
She lives in San Marcos and is in the middle of her first year of college at Texas State University (formerly Southwest Texas State), thus presenting the fourth problem, which is that she has no income of her own and relies on me and her family to support her. The third problem is I live in Austin and have a car...she lives more than 20 miles away and doesn't. Both of these things are issues I can rationalize away as the typical chaff each person in a relationship inadvertently throws in the face of the other. I haven't seen a relationship yet that didn't have some annoying flaw in one of the people involved. Comes with the nature of the game.
But the first two problems are more serious.
Our plans for Christmas and New Year's involved us being together on a constant basis for more than a week straight. We've spent every weekend together (always up at my place) since we hooked up, but this was a longer period of time. From Christmas Day to the 3rd of January, she and I did holiday stuff, got me moved to a new apartment, and worked on my New Year's Eve party at my grandpa's ranch in Sattler.
By this time, I had already noticed character traits in her that bugged me. I was trying to get used to them and had somewhat succeeded at this point, but I was always aware of them. The details are unimportant, but they were along the lines of a very needy and unconfident person. I initially thought it was coyness or playful shyness, but it's deeper than that. The emotional dependence irked me, but I liked her enough to not consider them relationship-ending things.
But then the New Year's party occured. She had told me a long time ago that she's anti-social and at the time I believed that was a good thing since I felt the same way about myself. I didn't know how strong those feelings in her were, however, until that night. The concise version is, with just about every one of my closest friends ready to do the countdown, she's off by herself sobbing about something...and no matter what I say she won't explain beyond saying she feels out of place. Now, we were both drunk at this point (second-hand information tells me she had hit some Bacardi fairly hard just prior to this incident), but I was clear-headed enough to realize the problems this would pose later on. If she can't handle this kind of event and if she has trouble handling smaller get-togethers like she had in the past with my friends, then I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her. Toss in what I thought was the unkindness and mistrust of not telling me what was wrong and after I convinced her to go to bed and after I returned to the countdown outside, I understood the only thought on my mind for the rest of the evening was to decide if I wanted to continue the relationship.
But we woke up on the 1st with no hangovers or hard feelings. We didn't talk about the incident like I had wanted, but after that she acted better towards my friends. She showing strong interest in getting a part time job once she returned to San Marcos. I left it on the back burner and became reoccupied with unpacking and getting settled in at my new apartment. So I dropped her off the 3rd after we made a good dent in the piles of crap to be set up. I had to go back to work on the 5th, so that was looming in my mind as well, not to mention the slow realization that I was about to go through a significant soak in financial red ink.
I was hanging out with Cameron that Sunday at his place when I got a call from her around 3pm.
"Charles, I did a very bad thing."
"Hm?"
"I did a bad thing and I need to talk to you about it."
"Alright, what's up?"
"...last night, I was at a party and got drunk and cheated on you with someone, an ex-boyfriend."
The feeling of a roaring nothing that I felt was odd. After she said that, I felt like I was waiting for a punchline for a joke that wasn't funny. I asked her to repeat herself and she did. I asked her why she did it and she couldn't answer me. I asked her how far she went and she said she didn't have sex but "got about halfway." Points for honesty and timeliness, I guess.
So I told her I needed more time to think about this and that I'd call her later on that night. I spend the time between feeling slightly odd and a little angry, but not much more than that. What got me was how surprisingly yielding my feelings were for her under this pressure. My relationship was being tested...and I was not experiencing any of the feelings I expected myself to feel if a girlfriend admitted she had cheated on me. I felt mostly two things: irritation that this made no sense for her to do and dismay that they very nonsensical nature of her act meant I couldn't trust her and was in for some weepy phone calls in my future.
I was very correct on that last one. I called her that night and she gave me a few more little details but they changed nothing. The point of this phone call was for me to decide to continue on with her. As I made plain to her, there was nothing she could say or do to change the fact she did what she did. She couldn't explain herself beyond variations on, "I don't know why I did it, I'm sorry" and since she was sober enough to stop halfway through her act(s) to realize what she was doing, I had to assume she was sober enough at the beginning to know what she was doing in the first place. I made this point and she had no response to it. I asked her if it was about me or something I did and she emphatically denied it. So that left me wondering both how crazy she was for doing this and how must trust I was going to invest in her from here on out.
I told her that I wanted a two week break with no communication between us. She took it badly but I remained firm and after some pointless silences and her promises of changing, I ended the call. Before I did, she said she wanted to talk about it one more time as soon as possible. I asked her of what consequence it would be, for the reasons outlined above. She was insistent so I agreed on a Monday call that I would initiate.
So my Monday was ruined. Even though the commute to work was better from my new place, I was still going back to work after a long holiday. Add on a growing financial crisis (checking account overdraft fees are piling up), the specter of this evening phone chat with her, and the onset of a depressing bout of pity I had for her...and by the time I got home from work, my demeanor had reversed itself from ready to start a new year to loathing the approaching day's end.
I called her and we talked for 22 minutes. Actually, I did most of the talking. She sobbed most of the time. Half the call was filled with simple silence when neither of us had anything to say. I reiterated my stance and she told me she couldn't do anything beyond say she was sorry and that she wanted me to stay with her. I knew this wasn't going to get anywhere because the choice was up to me to make and I had already made my choice. Her emotions had pretty much taken hold of her and it felt like I should go ahead and say what I really wanted to say.
I told her again my problems with what happened.
"Something has to happen for this to work out. You have to be punished beyond what you're doing to yourself internally right now. And that's why I want the time off. I like you...but I don't like you enough to continue things and forgive and forget. We had a lot of fun together, but consider this a temporary breakup. Best of luck finding a job and keeping your grades up, but I need us apart right now."
She was beside herself and by the end of the call, I found it more and more pointless to talk to her. She did have the presence of mind to say two weeks wouldn't be the end of it; that she felt this was the end of it from what I'd said. I couldn't respond to that other than to say I didn't know if we should continue and wouldn't know until the two weeks had passed.
That was almost a week ago. The time in between has been spent see-sawing back and forth between wanting to be rid of the whole ordeal and formally breaking up with her...and pitying her and her situation and wanting to get back with her to keep her life on track. You see, for her (and I regret the arrogant way this sounds), I was the best thing to happen in a long time. If half the stories of her ex-boyfriends are true, she's been with some real jerks. Compared to them, I'm a fucking rock star. I don't feel self-satisfied or smug about knowing this, and I can say with no distortion that this has happened more times than not in my relationship history. The girls that are attracted enough to be with me seem to need a refuge, a place of stability, someone with their shit together. Or who at least appears to have their shit together.
This added to my list of annoyances with her because it confirmed for me what I had already known about my past and told me I hadn't managed to break the cycle and find a new kind of girl. It meant she was "one of them," one of the kinds of girls I knew I wouldn't be able to establish anything long-term with. Despite the fact she was far better than the women of my past in these terms, she was still too dependent on others to keep her life acceptable to her, which of course makes no sense when combined with her anti-social tendencies. It was a kind of meta-anger at the whole situation.
But at the same time, knowning that also means knowing how important I am for her and for these women in general. My companionship means a lot to them and when it goes south, they go south with it. One of my exes implied that suicide was the only option for her if I didn't spend the night with her after breaking up. So I stayed, enduring one of the most insane and pointless nights of my life. She was the most extreme of these cases, but the pattern has remained over time. So during this week of self-imposed exile from her, I'm thinking about what she's going through and it depresses me. I don't like hurting other people and I don't like it when my actions cause others to cry and hate themselves further.
Her sister contacted me through MySpace to give her two cents. She was far more reasonable than my girlfriend, but her arguement boiled down to the same thing: take her back because she needs you and is more sorry than you can imagine. So I replied at length why that wouldn't work. She hasn't responded but is smart enough to get my point.
And so yesterday, my girlfriend sent me a short e-mail asking me if I would please call her because she wants to work this out and she misses me greatly. It's the first weekend we've had apart since we hooked up and I know it's eating her away.
I have to decide what to do, even though I know what's best for me is to break it off entirely and go our seperate ways. I may not call her. Just let it die off without another communication. That would be a cowardly but simple way to do this. Or I could wait out the next week and then tell her I wish to be apart formally and indefinitely. That would be the most consistent way to do it.
I can almost hear her pacing around the phone.
Jesus Christ, sometimes I wonder why relationships are worth this.
UPDATE(7/26/2004 3:02pm)
Mental attraction vs. physical attraction