Mental Attraction versus Physical Attraction

It's been well over a year since I started actively using online personals services to find a female for a relationship. My "success rate" isn't that great, but that'll be left for another post.

All of these services have the option of including a picture along with your text profile. Obviously, the way someone looks has little to do with how well you'll tolerate that person face to face during conversation. Furthermore, these pictures are rarely high-quality shots showing more than heads and shoulders. The best profiles have multiple pictures taken on different days in different clothing in different poses under different lighting. Even then, you can't be sure what someone will look like until you see him or her for the first time.

Given all that, having a picture has become my primary filtering mechanism behind a woman's location and age. I do this simply to save time. Digital cameras and scanning equipment are becoming more and more common and it seems most profiles lacking a picture do so either because they just signed up and need time to get an electronic photo or because the person wants people to take the first step and ask via a messaging service. Since picture less profiles are a minority, I don't bother contacting them unless I feel I've tried other potential women first.

However, there are always one or two ladies who have written a profile so unique and interesting that you can't resist trying to contact. One of the women registered with the Austin Chronicle Personals ads has such a profile and a photo. The image isn't of her face, though. It's the back of her head. All you see is her right ear and a delightful mass of brown curls aimed towards a desk.

I didn't bother contacting her the entire time I've been registered with Springstreet (they run AusChron's service) mainly on the grounds that I'd rather take my chances with known beauties. I can't recall what her profile contained back then, but I visited it last week for the first time in a while and just felt and urge to try.

So I did.

When I write an introductory message to a stranger through these services, I want it to be memorable. I try to integrate bits of their profile into sardonic personal observations and questions asking for more info. If someone has "Evil Warlord" as their occupation, they're likely to get something like this from me as my opening paragraph:

Now, let be clear about something. I see no inherent reason why gals can't be arrogant, bloodthirsty, power-mad leaders of warriors. Sounds like a bitchin' movie.

But that's the problem. I can't recall any female evil warlords in the movies I've seen. Are you based off one? Do you own it? Can it see it?

If someone is going to offer something absurd or clever in his or her profile, I'm going to work off it. Another opening example, responding to a gal who said she had a "dreamy bed" in her bedroom:

...you'll have to help me out here. Is this a bed that is covered in pictures of rock and movie stars and you get all girly looking at it, or is this a bed that acts like a dream fountain, pumping out zany ideas while you're asleep?

A final example:

If you are "always on the move" and yet you are also "completely happy in my little apartment (with my kitty cat)" that can only mean you are getting the kitty ready for the Feline Olympics or something. Do you chase it around your living room for mutual exercise? :)

I like absurdist, lightly sarcastic twists on humor. Dry, tongue-in-cheek inquiries into some part of the person's profile are my favorite. My friends have been exposed to it for some time and know what to expect and it still catches them off guard if they can't make the connections fast enough to the joke and reality.

So when a gal

• has "Subtle subversion" as her occupation;
  
• lists "ostrich eggshells" as an item in her room;
  
• describes herself in part as someone who doesn't "believe in logic but will use it in long debates with you. If I prove you wrong I'll be grumpy until I prove myself wrong too";
  
• and describes the person she's looking for, in part with "I just need you to have something poking up from under the surface. I need it to fascinate and terrify and excite me. For now, if you can offer trust, conversation, and someplace with trees, that'll do just fine";

I get interested and gear up the Imagination Machine to see what I can come up with.

She responded to my first message and with a barely concealed wit and intelligence that offered a number of crazy ways to respond. I did. She fired back a message even greater than the first, including a request that I tell her a random story about myself. I'm waiting to hear back from her on my reply to that, but I gave her plenty of opportunities to step up and say something nutty.

I not once approached the subject of what she looks like, but during her last reply, she said she only has a photo of her rear cranium because a hyena breaks into her living room and mauls her once in a while. *grin*

So I'm mentally attracted to this lady. It feels odd because I know so little about her appearance. She says she's five feet tall and some people compare her eyes to those of a movie star "but everything else must be...unique" in her words. She apparently has semi-longish brown hair. And that's it. It's a departure for me to be attracted to someone when the bulk of what I have to go on are her words and sentence structure. This certainly isn't a bad thing, but it does feel odd.

Accurate, objective measurement of a feeling is impossible in my opinion, so I can't really compare mental attraction to physical attraction. It's still very early in a conversation that has ranged from massage table portability to drainage moats to chigger bites to France-based cello playing. Physical attractions can be had anywhere; just turn on the TV or take a walk in a shopping mall. Intellectual attraction is harder since my standards are tougher to meet. Plenty of women fit the essential body mold.

But the magnitude of the attraction is roughly equal to an above-average physical attraction. I'd really like to meet her in person to her hear speak and observe her mannerisms. Obviously, I want to see what she looks like. But the one on one context has been established and I'm curious to see the rest of that context.

Posted by Drizzten at July 26, 2004 02:56 PM