John Kelso Wants Americans to Act Like Canadians?

[Updates below.]

This may be a somewhat light-hearted column with a soft but potentially sensible suggestion, but I still can't resist commenting on it.

Austin American-Statesman: Going overseas? Tell 'em you're Canadian

My fellow Americans: If you're planning to travel outside of the good old U.S. of A. anytime soon and you want to avoid a tongue-lashing from a bunch of annoying foreigners, just pretend to be a Canadian.

What about us poor folk who are of mixed nationality? I hail equally from Germany and Canada. Strictly speaking, I should be the one getting tongue-lashed here. Not that I think my friends aren't up to the task...

I don't know about you, but I don't want to hear a speech about the war in Iraq from some French know-it-all.

Something I certainly don't want to hear either, especially since our likely agreement on the necessity of the war would be tempered by the severe disagreement on why it was unnecessary. Living in Austin, however, means that you get to hear and read speeches about the war in Iraq from some Travis County know-it-alls.

So how do you pass yourself off as a Canadian?

Let's say you've gotten through customs and you're climbing into a cab in Egypt. And you don't want to listen to a ration of garbage from your driver, the Ayatollah Knowsitall. What do you do? Easy. Tell the cabbie you're from Canada. But how do you make him believe you?

There are all sorts of little tricks you can use.

"You could tell him you play hockey, and then you could take your teeth out," said Gerald Stoughton, a Canadian living in Austin who was one of the original members of the Austin Ice Bats hockey team. "That would show them you're a Canadian."

That's a start. But with your teeth out the cabbie might think you're from the front row at Willie Nelson's picnic. "No teeth? You from Texas? You got oil well?"

Mr. Kelso, being the semi-humorist that he tends to be, begins to list the other ways one could pass him- or herself off as Canadian.

So a better way to pass as a Canadian is to say, "You know, where I come from, we got pretty darned good health insurance."

No one's going to think you're an American if you're bragging about your medical coverage.

Ha ha and all, but I'll take the United States pseudo-private health care system over just about any other nation's...including Canada's. This is because state-controlled systems screw you on several levels:

1. Taxes (a huge problem of their own right) are imposed to cover the costs of the system.
   
2. Since people think the system is "free," they initially try to consume the available healthcare resources willy-nilly. This cannot be borne by a system that relies on a relatively fixed level of "revenue" so the government either has to increase taxes or impose service rationing. The latter is a common way to deal with the problem, thus creating resource scarcity where there once wasn't.
   
3. Healthcare consumers have their choices restricted by the government and those choices rightly belong to individuals, not the state.
   
4. Favored people and groups with political connections tend to get precedence over everyone else.

That's just a quick explanation. The basic stance I take is that people pay for their own health services. More can be found here: Laboratory Failure: States Are No Model for Health Care Reform and Health Care Reform: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

With the war in Iraq and those embarrassing photos of our troops mistreating Iraqi detainees, it's common sense to pass yourself off as being from someplace noncontroversial like, say, Saskatoon. Unless, of course, you want to put up with a bunch of snide remarks upon arrival in France, Spain, or any number of countries where they think we're a bag of walnuts.

So if you gotta go, your best bet may be to act like you're from Prince Edward Island. Nobody hates Canada. This is because Canada never invades anything. So what's to hate?

Canada did sorta invade Nazi-dominated Europe with the Allies a few dozen years ago...but bah, I do like this one. :)

I call the Yukon! Seems like a nice quiet place.

With that in mind, here are the top 10 moves to pass yourself off as a Canadian.

10. Lie. Brag about how you can buy prescription drugs back home without taking out a second mortgage.

I don't own a home, nor do I need to take out loans to afford the occasional prescription drug supply my doctor hands over. Anyone who complains that other people have high drug bills are missing the point: this is a diverse nation populated by individuals living with unique situations. Flippantly collectivizing the nation into a lump entity and making it sound like most people are simply getting screwed is misleading.

9. Sound Canadian. Remember that there is always a "boot" in the word "about." As in, "I was 'a boot' to admit I'm from Dallas, but I don't need the aggravation."

8. Get yourself into one of those funny-looking hats with the furry ear flaps.

7. Every once in a while, blurt out, "Did you catch that Leafs game last night?"

6. Ask, "Where's a fella find a decent order of seal blubber around these parts?"

5. When people start to catch on, hum a few bars of "O Canada! ".

Cultural body-blows!

4. If somebody accuses you of being an American, say, "I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I'm not that fat."

See mini-rant above.

3. Remind everybody that July 1 is Canada Day, and that the Grey Cup is a football trophy, not a protective device worn in the geriatric ward.

I found that second one funny. Old folks are always good for a few jibes.

2. If you get sick of all this Canadian stuff, switch countries and pretend to be a Swede.

My father might kick my ass, man!

1. And, finally, if somebody mentions President Bush, play dumb. Hey, it works for him.

Copyright 2001-2004 Cox Texas Newspapers, L.P. All rights reserved.

Funny only because it often seems true.

UPDATE(12:40pm)
Then there's the problem with Canada and heavy metal.

Posted by Drizzten at May 14, 2004 08:54 AM