August 19, 2003
Stuffeth My Mailbox with Shapely Crap!

Company Unveils Shapely Mail Advertising

Coming soon to your mailbox, advertising shaped like a sports car or a stop sign, a hula doll or hamburger. Indeed, almost anything an artist can conceive.

Customized MarketMail begins Monday, offering advertisers a chance to think outside the envelope and send material that really shows their products to buyers.

The first mailing, to southern California, will be simulated boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.


"...and in other news, waves of police officers all over the city were taken in by deceptive and cruel advertising aimed at their hearts."

Unsolicitied mail is crap. I didn't ask to recieve it, it's an additional burden on the Post Office (and entity whose existence I don't support and I certainly don't support any efforts to increase the costs it faces), but most of all, it's such a tremendous waste of time and resources. I don't know what the "success rate" on this form of advertising, but it can't be impressive. Every time I check my mail, the garbage can is overflowing with this junk: supermarkets pushing the weekly sale, furniture companies screaming about bedroom sets and cheap futons, major banks "pre-approving" me for their credit cards, thousands of pizza ads, TimeWarner humping my leg for their digital cable service that I dropped after realizing what a waste it was, and of course, the ever-ubiquitous Have You Seen These Children? inserts. Some of it I rarely find useful (pizza ads); most of it I'd like to ship back wrapped in bricks (supermarket & furniture store ads) spray painted with Stop Mailing Me This Shit, Please.

For example, in today's mail, which has accumulated since Saturday, I have:

  • One ad for my Post Office's new Stamps-by-Mail program, explaining I can "skip a trip" and phone in my order by calling 342-1251. Of course, that only gets you and order form a few days later. Then you have to mail in a check (postage free!) and get the stamps a day or two later. Or, I can go to http://www.usps.com/clicknship/ and use a credit card to buy mailing labels and print them out.

    Prognosis: Only halfway lame. I suppose it could be convienient to do it this way, but I hate writing checks and I hate the government's monopoly on mail delivery even more. And my printer is a piece of shit and won't print.

  • One ad for TimeWarner's Back-to-School SALE on cable and RoadRunner.

    Prognosis: I left you bastards once. I'm not coming back until I need you.

  • One "Have you seen us?" flyer asking me if I've seen Reuben Blackwell, 10, from Clinton, MD. The website for the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children is http://www.missingkids.com and they mention how 127 children featured have been safely found.

    Prognosis: I don't spend my time looking for lost kids. I also don't memorize the faces on these flyers in the vain hope I may run across one and call him or her in. These get dumped summarily in the trash.

  • One mailing from BankOne for a PreApproved Platinum Visa card. It has a 0% introductory APR until August 1, 2004 and no annual fee. After that, assuming the Cardholder Agreement doesn't change without notice, it becomes 7.99%. In a new twist I haven't seen before, it says PLEASE DO NOT DISCARD across the front of the envelope. Nothing contained in the envelope mentions anything about critically non-disposable information within.

    Prognosis: I have a freakin' credit card and if I wanted, needed, or felt like my life was otherwise incomplete without a new one, I'd go and look for one on my own. Bye-bye.

  • One bill from my local phone company, SBC. I owe them $83.54 by September 3rd for local phone service and DSL.

    Prognosis: Finally, a piece of mail that has some relevance. Though I take issue with the $2.06 state and local tax on my DSL charges, the 53¢ Federal Universal Service Fee, the $1.15 Municipal Charge, the $5.28 FCC Approved Customer Line Charge, etc., and the $3.15 in federal/state/local taxes imposed on my phone charges...I'll pay it.

  • One mailing from Chase that offers a credit card almost identical to the BankOne above. The only major difference is it's a MasterCard.

    Prognosis: See above.

  • One postcard ad for LabOne, my prescription drug healthcare vendor. It basically offers essential contact information and self-promotion.

    Prognosis: I was aware I signed up for this part of my health plan when I signed up for it. But it's a nice thought. The art on the flip side is kinda cute.

  • One combo ad, newspaper insert-style, for Papa John's, Carpet Mills of America, R&R Discount Furniture, Gemini Automotive Care's Goodyear and Dunlop tires and various auto services, and The Sleep Shop.

    Prognosis: I hate these the most. I never need any of this crap except for the pizza...and then it isn't very hard to call the nearest location and ask them about their specials. Regardless how annoyed with the repetition the guy on the other phone sounds, I'm not memorizing pizza deals for the four or five times a year I call in a delivery pie. Down the tubes for you.

    I don't like the idea of weird mailing shapes invading my mailbox. Maybe I'd be more receptive if the products and services being offered were ones I actually wanted.



    Posted by Drizzten at August 19, 2003 09:05 PM

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